I think I had an epiphany. I use the word "think" because I don't actually remember the exact moment it hit. It was gradual, yet quick. There was no thunder bolt. It was as if I fell asleep one way and woke up another. My mind has been zooming with ideas. The pages of my notebook are filled with ideas and thoughts and books to read and quotes that inspire. I've become this farocious reader I'd always admired in others. Maybe I was just reading the 'wrong' books. Suddenly everything has began to come together in my life like it never has before.
There was a build up of frustration with myself. With the world. With "the ways things are supposed to be". I was sick of trying to "figure it out". There isn't a thing to figure out. Fuck figuring it out. No more searching for what job title sounds right. "Yeah, I could do that." Fuck giving up and giving in and settling. Life isn't for settling. Life isn't for "good enough".
The excitement is still there. I am excited to be something more for the world. To be something more for myself. To be something more for every single person I love. And that scares me. It's scary to be more. It means growing and no safety nets. But if I don't choose to grow and lead and move forward in leaps and bounds and even the baby steps I may just wither and die. My spirit will fade and I will be nothing more than a empty case of a body. I'd rather forgo the safety nets and grow.