Saturday, March 5, 2011

ftw

I want to cry from fear.  Or perhaps it's brought on by excitement?  Or even gratitude?  Happy tears that I've finally reached a point of finding something so much bigger than anything I could have ever imagined.  Walking straight into the unknown.  A leap of faith on life.  On a different life.  The realization that I am more than capable of making it for myself.  Rad life ftw.

Epiphany ?

I think I had an epiphany.  I use the word "think" because I don't actually remember the exact moment it hit.  It was gradual, yet quick.  There was no thunder bolt.  It was as if I fell asleep one way and woke up another.  My mind has been zooming with ideas.  The pages of my notebook are filled with ideas and thoughts and books to read and quotes that inspire.  I've become this farocious reader I'd always admired in others.  Maybe I was just reading the 'wrong' books.  Suddenly everything has began to come together in my life like it never has before.  

There was a build up of frustration with myself.  With the world.  With "the ways things are supposed to be".  I was sick of trying to "figure it out".  There isn't a thing to figure out.  Fuck figuring it out.  No more searching for what job title sounds right.  "Yeah, I could do that."  Fuck giving up and giving in and settling.  Life isn't for settling.  Life isn't for "good enough".  

The excitement is still there.  I am excited to be something more for the world.  To be something more for myself.  To be something more for every single person I love.  And that scares me.  It's scary to be more.  It means growing and no safety nets.  But if I don't choose to grow and lead and move forward in leaps and bounds and even the baby steps I may just wither and die.  My spirit will fade and I will be nothing more than a empty case of a body.  I'd rather forgo the safety nets and grow.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I choose this.

The heartburn that is beginning to rise in my chest is a good sign. At least, that's how I'm taking it. I made the decision, late last week to be self-employed. The life I thrive in, my own, is based on freedom and independence (like America, you go girl). Owning my own business is a thought that has come and gone as long as I can remember. The difference now is I've made the decision that there is no other way I want to live. Going back to school is another thought that has come and gone over the years. This semester I attempted taking a class in hopes to spark my interest in going back full time to pursue a career in counseling. I love the idea of that. I really, really do. But, in reality, it just does not feel right. Logically, it makes sense; go to school, get a degree, intern, get whatever credentials are required and BOOM! career (with specific hours, bosses, figurative ceilings on the amount of money one can make in a given position, etc.). That, though, is just not my steeze. I want a different life than that. I want my freedom now. I want life now. I want to be persuing meaningful work now. I respect, so deeply, those who choose to go back to school full time and make it happen. I love stories of working mothers making a better life for themselves and their families by going back to school to persue a passion or interest and getting that dream job. As for me, I do not want a dream job, I want a real life. A really awesome, kick-ass, exciting life that keeps me eager for every days dawn.

The plan? Keep following my gut. That's my plan.

The "plans" I've made in the past have either been too "scary" (not that I'd ever admitted that to myself or anyone else) to pursue to their fullest, or in pursuit of what I believed I should be doing by others' standards and logic has left me deflated and slightly bitter (if it weren't for the wellspring of optimism I was naturally born with I would be a completely different person through all circumstances). Of course this hasn't been the case with every plan, every time, always. Just more often than not. So I'm going back to the drawing board. The drawing board being my self, my strength, my enthusiasm, and the part of me I absolutely adore that never went away...just ignored for far too long.

So back to the heartburn. It's subsided some since writing this. Perhaps I literally and figuratively just got it off my chest. This. Is. Scary. Know what's scarier? Mediocrity.